I hope Edwin is not riddled with angst. However, I can never be sure because communicating with a rabbit is like praying. Lots of people talk to god but when god talks back your crazy. Edwin doesn't talk back but he seems content as a free range rabbit. He hops around, sits in his cage, sleeps in his rabbit condo, explores the closet and then calls it a great day. He has no real worries and only really gets upset when we touch his toys or have to move the litter box to clean it. He leads a simple life of which I am envious. The only expectation I have of him is that he not chew the baseboards of the apartment. He ultimately fails to meet that expectation but seems pretty oblivious to that fact.
In response to your question, no, we are not merely hurtling down a tunnel with no choice in our direction. There are lots of twists and turns and choices to go left or right. It is a lot like a game board. I understand that every decision I have ever made has brought me to be who I am today and that I am winning the game. Am I proud of winning? No. Would I rather be losing the cultural game of success? Absolutely not. I would rather not be playing at all. But, in my mind, that is not a choice. I know cognitively that it is but, when you choose not to play, everyone else thinks that you merely lost. Again, coming back to what everyone else thinks. Go figure.
Ultimately, I feel obligated to play and make the choice to continue doing so. That is the catch-22. I cannot be proud of anything I have accomplished that others admire because I dont agree with the rules of the game. I just play it very well.
I am very relaxed in my self-awareness. I know exactly who I am and have an idea of why I am in this position. I dont regret anything I have ever done and am content. I play the game well and am able to sell myself in exchange for what I think I need.
I am a Socialist who spent my entire summer starting a wedding magazine in Atlanta that just tells people how to waste money on a big and excessive wedding. I was good at taking the essence of myself and translating it into something I think is stupid and wasteful. Can I be proud of that? To use a cliche, I sold out for a click on my resume. But hey, it's one hell of a resume. I guess I won. How terribly thrilling.
8.20.2009
Ironically funny
Why are the supposed most intelligent and successful students at the university the most terrified of failure? Almost everyone in the room, including myself, said their biggest fear was that they were not and would never be good enough. Good enough for who? Where does it all stop? How good do we have to be to just make it all stop. Where is the top and when, if ever, can we reach it?
I have recently come to the conclusion that no matter what I do in May after I graduate, next weekend, next year and my whole life, I am going to let someone down. Everyone thinks they know what is best for you and everyone's idea will be different. If you try to do everything the "right" way, you very well might end up like me (I am not sure if that would be a good thing or bad, it just is).
I am graduating with two bachelors degrees in three years. I speak two languages. I have a 3.8 gpa. A slew of internships. I was an editorial assistant over the summer and helped start a magazine from scratch. I have written for the Red & black since the first semester my freshman year.
That does not sound too bad, it seems I have all the "right" pieces, everything I "need" to be "successful." But, I have about three real friends, don't go anywhere, hardly ever do anything. I have a boyfriend whom I live with and a rabbit named Edwin who I probably talk to on a daily basis more than the friends. I work, study and whatever else fills my time before I go to sleep.
I am not saying this is good or bad; it just is. I am happy with it and used to it and this is how my life works. But, I am sure someone out there thinks this is the wrong way and someone else thinks something else is "wrong" and thinks I should do everything differently.
That is why I started this blog. I want it to be an exploration into why everyone is so scared of not always doing the right thing or being the "right" person. An examination of my own life and why the hell I care so much about always being the best. Always at the top; because, there is no top.
I have recently come to the conclusion that no matter what I do in May after I graduate, next weekend, next year and my whole life, I am going to let someone down. Everyone thinks they know what is best for you and everyone's idea will be different. If you try to do everything the "right" way, you very well might end up like me (I am not sure if that would be a good thing or bad, it just is).
I am graduating with two bachelors degrees in three years. I speak two languages. I have a 3.8 gpa. A slew of internships. I was an editorial assistant over the summer and helped start a magazine from scratch. I have written for the Red & black since the first semester my freshman year.
That does not sound too bad, it seems I have all the "right" pieces, everything I "need" to be "successful." But, I have about three real friends, don't go anywhere, hardly ever do anything. I have a boyfriend whom I live with and a rabbit named Edwin who I probably talk to on a daily basis more than the friends. I work, study and whatever else fills my time before I go to sleep.
I am not saying this is good or bad; it just is. I am happy with it and used to it and this is how my life works. But, I am sure someone out there thinks this is the wrong way and someone else thinks something else is "wrong" and thinks I should do everything differently.
That is why I started this blog. I want it to be an exploration into why everyone is so scared of not always doing the right thing or being the "right" person. An examination of my own life and why the hell I care so much about always being the best. Always at the top; because, there is no top.
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