Why are the supposed most intelligent and successful students at the university the most terrified of failure? Almost everyone in the room, including myself, said their biggest fear was that they were not and would never be good enough. Good enough for who? Where does it all stop? How good do we have to be to just make it all stop. Where is the top and when, if ever, can we reach it?
I have recently come to the conclusion that no matter what I do in May after I graduate, next weekend, next year and my whole life, I am going to let someone down. Everyone thinks they know what is best for you and everyone's idea will be different. If you try to do everything the "right" way, you very well might end up like me (I am not sure if that would be a good thing or bad, it just is).
I am graduating with two bachelors degrees in three years. I speak two languages. I have a 3.8 gpa. A slew of internships. I was an editorial assistant over the summer and helped start a magazine from scratch. I have written for the Red & black since the first semester my freshman year.
That does not sound too bad, it seems I have all the "right" pieces, everything I "need" to be "successful." But, I have about three real friends, don't go anywhere, hardly ever do anything. I have a boyfriend whom I live with and a rabbit named Edwin who I probably talk to on a daily basis more than the friends. I work, study and whatever else fills my time before I go to sleep.
I am not saying this is good or bad; it just is. I am happy with it and used to it and this is how my life works. But, I am sure someone out there thinks this is the wrong way and someone else thinks something else is "wrong" and thinks I should do everything differently.
That is why I started this blog. I want it to be an exploration into why everyone is so scared of not always doing the right thing or being the "right" person. An examination of my own life and why the hell I care so much about always being the best. Always at the top; because, there is no top.
"Good enough for who" in first para needs to be "whom," but I am sure you know that. A few other minor grammar things here, none of which I really need to point out.
ReplyDeleteDo you think Edwin worries about what you think of him? Do you have any expectations of him that he fails to achieve? Is he riddled with angst? Are you? You seem pretty laid back in your self-awareness.
What don't you write a little bit about "choices." Do you make them, or are they somehow made for you by society, family, those around you? Do choices actually exist? Or are we all hurling ourselves down a narrow one-way corridor toward extinction? [I didn't know I was going to write that sentence before I wrote it. If this were an essay, I might go back and rework it, or delete it, but I'll leave it here, as an example of the surprise-in-writing I was talking about in class.]
Maybe do a little reading in sociology, or cultural studies, read Paul Virilio on "speed" -- not the drug, the kind that follow velocity. [Note the ambiguity in that phrase. Could be referring to you, Virilio, speed the drug, speed the movement, etc. Sometimes that is good in writing. When?]
You, and all students, are in a four year moment of flux. If you're lucky, you'll make that moment last your whole life. Then you'll always have something to write about.
I look forward to the evolution of this blog. And want to know more about Edwin.